Two years ago, I made a decision that seemed reckless to everyone around me. I quit my engineering job without a plan, without something to fall back on, without any clear direction forward. The stress had become unbearable. The anxieties were draining every ounce of energy I had. So I walked away from the profession I’d been building since 1998, turned my back on the familiar, and stepped into the unknown.
I wanted something different, something meaningful, something I could do by myself and for myself. But I had no idea what that should be. As a Christian, I knew I needed to depend on God to show me the way forward. So I started praying for an outcome and began the long work of waiting on God for direction.
The Reality of Extended Waiting
Two years is a long time to pray and wait. It doesn’t matter how much faith you have that God will come through for you. What makes any waiting period harder is when you don’t know what to do while you wait. In the past, when I waited on God, I always had something I could do to help move things along. This time, I had no idea what action to take. And so I pray. And I wait.
But the realities of life don’t disappear during a waiting season. People have to eat, mortgages need paying, bills keep arriving. As the time of waiting extends, these realities grow larger and press closer. Your prayers begin to change from patient requests to calls of desperation. They become more emotional as you engage in increasingly animated conversations with God.
But God remains silent, and He often feels distant. Sometimes you receive a word or a feeling that brings momentary peace, something that reinforces your belief that God knows what’s happening. But then the relief fades, and the desperation returns.
Wrestling in the Dark
As the practical pressures of my life intensify daily, my desperation for an outcome grows. Over the past few nights, I had some brutal conversations with God. I asked Him all the questions that emerge in the darkness of uncertainty:
Why don’t You answer me? Why do I have to suffer before You help? Why do You not see my need? Why do You tell me to believe Your promises, but when I need You, I hear only silence? When will You listen? When will You help? I am Your child, You are my God. I need You now. Where are You?
While I know the answers, the questions still come.
An Unexpected Answer
This afternoon, there was a special church service in my town. What made it unique was that it would be conducted in Afrikaans, my native language. I hadn’t planned to attend. It was Saturday, and I was already planning to go to my regular Sunday service. But when I woke up this morning, the first thought that came to mind was that I should attend this service today.
I didn’t know what to expect, but I’ve learned that when God prompts you to do something, it’s wise to obey. So I went.
The scripture reading was from Luke 10:38-42, the familiar story of Martha and her sister Mary. Martha welcomed Jesus into her house, and while she busied herself serving the guests, Mary sat at Jesus’ feet, listening to His words. When Martha became frustrated and asked Jesus to call Mary to help with the work, Jesus responded with words I needed to hear:
“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”
The Mary Choice in a Martha World
That response spoke directly to my situation. God was saying, “Forget the things that make you anxious, and focus on Me.” I understand this to mean, “I have a plan, but for now, I’m giving you time to slow down and focus on Me.”
In that moment, I realized this season of waiting isn’t about me finding myself or discovering my next move. God is giving me time to discover more of Him.
This insight doesn’t make the daily struggle easier. I can’t simply shift from being anxious to completely trusting God and forgetting everything else. It remains a daily battle. But it does give me confidence that God sees me in my desperation and that this season has purpose beyond my understanding.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” – Matthew 6:33 (ESV)
Baie dankie W. Niks beter as die wete dat jy in die vrede en kalmte van God se Wil funksioneer nie. In Hom kom ons ewig versterk aan die anderkant van elke berg. Hou vas. Baie liefde.